As a pastor, I turn to my faith to provide answers to questions that often prove difficult and are beyond my ability to explain. When times get tough, I turn to my sacred texts to find a glimmer of hope or guidance as I struggle through what we call ‘dark nights of the soul’, a term that describes the profound spiritual crisis and feelings of abandonment that can occur during suffering. I look to the heavens and shout, “Give me peace? I beg you to solve the problem right now, dear Creator. Let me see a glimmer of hope.”

     There are moments when I pour out my heart, and it feels like nothing happens. Why do I continue to seek strength in places that leave me weary? Ultimately, I turn to the God of my understanding and ask, “Why won’t you help me? What have I done that is so wrong that you punish my son with a cruddy bleeding disorder?”

     Hemophilia raises its ugly head, and everyone seems to run away from the monster. Are chronic disorders truly incurable? In my son’s case, I cannot help but feel abandoned by God. I often feel unworthy of God’s love because I could not successfully intervene with the Divine on my boy’s behalf. Somehow, I think I missed the boat.

     Shame often creeps in as I reflect on the issues my family faces regarding hemophilia. I tell myself, “I am a pastor and should have all this in perspective. Maybe if I pray harder, God might hear my cries.” I know that what I feel is not what I believe, but silence, in this case, is not divine.

     Peering deeper into holy darkness, I see a glimmer of light. It appears distant and impossible to capture. The only thing that I know is that I continue to move closer, and as I do, the light grows larger, filling the space with beautiful light that overwhelms me and illuminates my spirit. In this unusual place where time and space intersect, I realize that the healing I receive is a gift from the Holy Spirit.

     I do not mean that some alien object appeared and Shazam! My boys no longer have hemophilia. I refer to the sense of peace that overwhelms me and strengthens me to help my sons manage the most difficult of situations as they journey through the world with Hemophilia, Severe, Factor VIII Deficient. This is what I call ‘true faith,’ a faith that empowers me with hope and love to face each obstacle. It’s not about miraculous cures, but about the strength and resilience it provides in the face of adversity.

     I learned that true faith, when faced with hardships, can overcome feelings of despair and anxiety. Hope finds rebirth, and the promise of a new tomorrow —a tomorrow where we can face our challenges with renewed strength and courage —inspires us to move forward. The most essential part of healing is not physical but spiritual revitalization of the soul. At this juncture between the mystical and realistic worlds, we find wholeness.

     I continue to grow in my faith as my sons face various adversities related to hemophilia. I learn that God did not give them hemophilia to test them. My boys inherited hemophilia because my wife is a carrier of the disease. When DNA passed from us to them, a damaged “X” chromosome passed to my sons. Divine hands did not manipulate DNA so that my boys would have hemophilia for some vast, eternal purpose.

     Faith enters the picture when we recognize that, despite having a bleeding disorder, there is still much we can do in the world. Sometimes life proves difficult, but that does not mean we must give up. Equipped with the belief that there is much to look forward to, we overcome obstacles and continue to live a full life. The energy that moves the entire machine is hope.

     My sons are now adults, and I believe they carry the strength of faith in their lives. I noticed how they move and react with people, and I see the joy they bring to the lives of others. Cazandra, my wife, and I know the care they demonstrate as they love us with all their hearts. Both of my sons are strong men who find comfort in their faith. I hope they continue to grow in mind and spirit as they follow their dreams in this world. Hemophilia may make its presence known, but it will not stop them.